It’s amazing that more people are concerned with legalizing marijuana than fighting human rights violations in other parts of the world. Congratulations, New Jersey passed a bill for medical marijuana. That’s progress? ha.
Also, New York Times claims that Sri Lanka is the top place to visit in 2010, with it’s “miles of sugary white sand flanked by bamboo groves that were off-limits to most visitors until recently are a happy, if unintended byproduct of the war.”
Now who wouldn’t want to go to a beautiful place like that? ‘read between the lines, critically analyze’ - John Butler
I’m exhausted. Just needed to get this off my chest before I go to bed.
This shouldn’t be a long post. I basically have a month before I move back to Stony Brook, and I want to delay it as much as possible. I’m looking forward to having a new schedule. I’m so much happier with my classes. I’m probably most excited to see what new faces I meet, and become close with this semester. It seems like every semester, there’s one person that I become particularly close to and it’s always someone I’d never even knew before the semester started. All this is very exciting. However, I don’t want to go back to face another similar situation to what I’ve dealt with before. Granted I still have a month, but I’m already starting to dread the move back. Even before I move back, I’ll have to lay down how things will be within the next few weeks. I know I won’t be respected. It’s going to be me, once again, that says no when I’m disrespected. Same cycle that I’ve learned to deal with, just a different person. This would be so much easier if I didn’t give so much. It’s probably surprising when I become much less generous. But I refuse to change. One day, I’ll be reminded why I refused to change my behavior. And that day, I’ll be very happy.
If the reward is worth the risk, I find no problem in putting myself on the line. I’ve often put aside honest, somewhat frank advice from friends when pursuing a girl’s heart. I hope they know that I do appreciate their advice, but in the end I’m going to do what I want. Even if they’re right all along , at least I have nothing to regret. And this works. I may not always get the girl, but I’ve never been crushed by pursuing her. So there really can only be good to come of the situation, or else I’m back where I started. And once I realize if there’s no chance anymore, I pull away. For some reason, I don’t get upset about the situation when I finally decide to back off. I guess it’s because I’m not afraid I’ll end up alone or that I may have missed out on ‘the one’.
So with that in mind, it’s time to pull away and move on. It’s not upsetting, especially in this case. I knew that I had little chance, if any, with this one. If I can get a girl to admit she’s in love with me but not be willing to even consider something serious (even though the latter usually comes first), then I simply have to move on. It won’t be anything I will regret. I entered this thinking all I wanted was a hook-up. Then I soon found myself truly interested in this girl, even though I knew there was little chance of anything serious coming of it. When I heard that she was in love with me but still wasn’t open to start any type of serious relationship, I can’t be upset that I didn’t try. ‘So cheers darlin, here’s to you and your lover boy,’
I’ve recently realized how much my notion of love has developed over the past couple of years. To give fair warning to the few people that read this blog, I’m probably going to sound somewhat cynical while sharing my views but just stay with me.
I only know about half of what I’m about to write, but I do have some direction. And I know how I want this blog to end. The end is the reason I chose to write this blog. A high school english teacher once told me, ‘You can’t write an essay without knowing the conclusion first. You must know where you’re going before you start on a journey.” And with that in mind, let me get started.
Before I ever felt the desire to care about a single person that wasn’t related to me, I had the same idea that every naive child might develop from their surroundings. I believed that one day I’ll find a woman that is everything I ever wanted. Simply put, an attractive, open-minded, spontaneous, funny, strong, adventurous, delicate, affectionate, well-dressed, intelligent woman. That’s all. We’d date for awhile and fall in love rather quickly. Eventually we would get married, have kids, and share our lives together.
What a nice fantasty, right children? As I first experienced what my heart conceives to be’ love’, I still carried that naive notion with me. She was everything I could ever want in a woman. She was more than what I could dream up myself. I would have done anything for that girl, knowing she would do the same for me. Just two naive kids with feelings for each other. That’s all we were. We weren’t taught any better. I remember talking about our future together: our careers, our children, what our house might look like, or jokingly arguing about how many dogs we would have. Then the relationship ended, as so many do, and all of those preconceived ideas that were supported by our love were challenged. What was I to believe in now? If that’s how all relationships feel, then how would I ever know if I’m with the one? Is there such thing as a soul mate?
If nothing else had remained, it had been my faith in a single tiny word: fate. I may have been confused about love, soul mates, and all that other serious stuff, but I was sure that she wasn’t a waste of time. Everything that I had experienced with her was meant to occur. I have no doubt of that. And this makes me happy. I have learned so much from her and our relationship that I will never want to forget.
As I moved on at a snail’s pace, I slowly began to learn that for one reason or another two people may not be able to stay together even when they both want nothing more than to do exactly that. I was still confused as to the idea of love and soul mates, but I realized that there other factors that will always complicate the matter. And so at least I was certain of that.
As time went on, I officially got myself out of the same mind set I had been in for so long after my first relationship had ended. I began wanting less out of my next relationship. I wanted more than anything just to enjoy the company of another person that means something to me in my life. I didn’t want to say something I didn’t truly mean- not to say that I had in the past. I didn’t want to talk about the future. I didn’t want to devote myself to her. I just wanted the next situation to be relaxed, yet worthwhile. Finally, I put myself out there for a girl that I was interested in, and it turned out she was already taken. Still, it felt great to know what I wanted in my next relationship and to be actively looking for it. I also knew that fate had a large part to do with what was occurring in my life and I was completely ready for it to run its course.
Soon after, I met a girl that seemed to be very much what I was looking for. We kissed, and became attached at the hip. But it was just as much a friendship as it was anything else. The relationship was very laid back, but just what I wanted. From the start she had told me she didn’t want anything serious, and I told her that was fine; although, she never did quite believed me. One of our first conversations regarded fate, and I remember thinking that this girl could change my life. Since that night, we grew closer and continued to see each other every day. Not everyday felt like I was with a ‘girlfriend’ but I could tell that we were beginning to feel more for each other. I knew it wasn’t only me.
She told me that she believes ‘love is reciprocal.’ For awhile I believed her. I knew I loved her, but I didn’t know if I was in love with her. Then one night we were laying in bed and by being cute, she made me laugh. I turned over and looked into her eyes and told her the same three words that are abused by so many. But in that moment, I meant it with all my heart. Quite possibly, I was in love. And although she may have not felt the same way at the moment, there’s no doubt that what I felt was real.
I believe in fate. I believe that everything that happens was intended to occur. Nothing is coincidence. I don’t believe that people have true soul mates. The idea that each person has a partner in this world that was meant for him or her is ridiculous. I don’t think two people must be in love with each other for it to be true feelings. I have experienced otherwise. Love isn’t about two people being made for each other. Their emotions don’t have to align. Love is simply not as strong as a term as some people hold it to. I think it’s perfectly normal to fall in love with someone yet the relationship doesn’t remain. I don’t think love is that powerful of an emotion that it is only truly felt when you’re with ‘the one’.
I’m not worried that I won’t find a woman that will make me happy. I’m not worried that I’ll be lonely. I know that I will find someone that will share her life with me. But I do believe that somewhere in this world, there would have been a better match for me. That I could be happier with someone else. However, it won’t matter. When I decide to share my life with someone, I will be happy. I don’t need whoever might have been better for me. I will only want her. There’s not only one right person out there for me. At that point, maybe this will all be irrelevant. At that point maybe I would regard love as something more than what I described. Maybe I’d believe in the idea of soul mates again. I think so.
Pictures tell more lies than they reveal facts. Regardless, I’ve just remembered so much from a single instant in time. True, the memory may be distorted. It doesn’t matter. What’s hidden in this particular moment is so perfectly exposed. The activity, so busy as it is, hides the true subjects of the photograph. But that gives the real event so much more life. The others are completely oblivious to the scene that occurs before them. The knowledge of the true, secret scene is like the memory of an experience shared by only two people- vivid yet impossible to explain. If I could get you to understand I would. Unfortunately, even with a well-versed explanation of what I feel and see in this photograph, you would only be able to forge a faint feeling of my experience.
Ironically enough, I’m realizing the memory is distorted. It means far more to me than you can actually see in the picture, even with the knowledge of what is occurring. If I was to ask someone else if they see what I see, I wouldn’t get a satisfying answer. I don’t care. It is a distinct beginning. Whenever the end comes, I will always look back to where it all began. I’ll think, “I would do it all again. How lucky to experience such an unfortunate situation.”